Ouch.

Ever had one of those moments that throw you backwards in your Christian Walk?

Not a few paces, not a half-hearted stumble, and not two steps foreword and one step back. I'm talking nailed you in a place you didn't even know was still raw, sent you head over boots down the hill end over end till you hit the bottom with a thud and couldn't breathe because of the impact for several minutes, kinda moments.

That happened to me yesterday and, like most things that make me stumble, it came out of no where.

I was having a good morning, customers were asking easy questions, I was ticking off the things on my to-do list at a good clip, and the phone wasn't ringing off the hook and making me threaten to pull it off the wall with my bare hands and throttle it to death. It was a good morning. Then, this sweet lady comes in and asks a question and then stops and stares at me and goes "Oh, you are 'insert mother's name here''s daughter." The smile froze on my face and I felt my heart give a tight angry squeeze before it resumed its' normal rhythm. She was one of the women who knew my mother from when Mom was the head of the Interdenominational Intercessors Network, IIN for short. I've been wrestling with resentment and anger since the woman said that. Poor lady, it wasn't her fault and it has nothing to do with her, or really even with Mom. It has everything to do with me, and half a lifetime of some not very pleasant memories.

Ten years, Mom steered that organization through meetings and events and even a short term missions trip. Ten years, I was 'so and so's daughter' at every church I went to, at every event I attended, and even at the book store where I work now, I was known as 'so and so's daughter'. I was watched like a hawk, I was judged, I was put down, I was told how I was to behave, and I was shunned because of who my Mother was.

But my problem with that label goes back further than ten years. Before Mom ran the Interdenominational Intercessors Network, she was head of one of the largest homeschooling networks in the state. She ran that for seven years, and at every event I was 'so and so's daughter' and everyone in the home schooling community knew me as 'so and so's daughter'.

They might not have known my first name, but they knew my Mom.

She did a fantastic job, taking the organization from fifty family to over five hundred families. But it was like living in a fishbowl. Everyone had an opinion about everything that I did, and no one had any problem sharing it with her, or with me. Don't get me wrong, there was a tremendous amount of good that came out of her position too. One thing was the fact that my brother and I learned to set up, break down, pack and unpack because of her leadership position. These are skills that have served me well on a variety of projects, including book signings.

Ten years plus seven years equal seventeen years. Seventeen years of being greeted by "Oh, you're so and so's daughter." Seventeen years of judgment, seventeen years of being measured against the standard my Mother set in their eyes, seventeen years of falling very short.

*sigh*

Weird how one little phrase, even kindly meant, can put you in a whole world of hurt.

Here's what I have been meditating on as kind of a poultice or balm for that ache reopened.

“Do not be afraid, for I have ransomed you.
I have called you by name; you are mine.
2 When you go through deep waters,
I will be with you.
When you go through rivers of difficulty,
you will not drown.
When you walk through the fire of oppression,
you will not be burned up;
the flames will not consume you.
3 For I am the Lord, your God,
the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.

Isaiah 43:1b-3 NLT.

The italics and blue color are my emphasis in the passage. Christ knows my name. Kinda mind blowing if I stop and think about it, and more mind blowing, He wears a label too, and wears it for me. You see, Christ is my savior. He is the King of Glory, the Great I AM, and He is Scribe's Savior. In His sight, I am judged pure and lovely and righteous all together. Oh, if I could get that into my heart and really really believe it, instead of letting the words run around in my head.

I did not want this ouch, but apparently I needed it because He let it happen, He allowed it to trigger all this muck now kicking around in me.

:-P

On a better note, the outlining is working well, and tightening up very nicely indeed. I've shared some of the stuff now with three of my co workers and all of them are excited and NO ONE IS confused. Go-outlining!

Night all,

A very uncomfortable Scribe